For those who can’t read this (despite its’ hugeness), let me type it out!
HOW TO BE A NINJA:
1. Be very quiet
2. Wear all black.
3. Master awesome skills.
4. Kick first, ask questions later.
5. Stay up all night, sneaking.
6. NEVER TELL ANYONE YOU ARE A NINJA!
So I picked this shirt out cause I was heading into my third day of getting in shape, and I was feeling a little like a bad ass. Just a little. Not a lot. Okay, okay, a lot. I get impressed with myself very easily. Even braided my hair cause it felt very ninja-like to me. I’m a special girl, sometimes.
Took Fella (what I usually call my poor husband instead of his name. Was even in our vows. Hehehe!) to work, almost ran out of gas, and made my way to Wawa. Once I finished fueling Kate up (Kate’s our car. The name’s a silly way we remember her plate number. A story for another time.), I made my way inside to get a bottle of water for while I worked on my fitness. I did my pimp walk up to the register, cause I’m awesome and life is good, and the cashier complimented my shirt and called me ‘young lady’ which was great for me, although I thought he might have been being sarcastic…NAH…I’m awesome.
TO THE GYM!
I get there, and you’d think they were giving stuff away for free. POPULATED!! People, people everywhere…even the tiny girl from day 1 was there, and she looked surprised to see me. She smiled and waved though. Kids love me…probably because of my being incredibly awesome. Thankfully, my machine was open. I mustered up my strength to start sweating in front of a crowd, put in my earbuds, and got to walking quickly.
That’s when it hit me – a shooting pain up my left leg. I grimaced a bit, but kept walking. Each time my foot hit the treadmill, pain – pain – pain. I tried slowing down, but no help. It wasn’t super safe to continue in this shape, so I slammed “COOL DOWN” after just 4 minutes. The girl on the exercise bike gave me what my brain could only interpret as “Oh, good effort, maybe next time” charity smiles.
Totally shame-faced, I was determined not to give up. I wiped down the machine, and put back on my pimp walk (Which is NOT walking like a penguin like I normally do). I was like “Pfft – this machine bores me” in the face, and I moseyed on over to the exercise bike. I got on and started hitting the buttons. Nothing happened. I thought “Maybe it’s not plugged in, like the TV.”
“You gotta start pedaling, then it turns on.” offered the charitable exercise bike girl. She seemed really nice, but I was in no mood. I smiled back, of course. Just because I was grumpy and embarrassed – it’s no reason to be rude. (Remember that kids!)
So I pedaled, thinking “Oh, my legs should work fine here. They’re not hauling my torso…totally sitting. This should be easy“.
That’s when I realized it was on the easiest setting ta-boot.
But I am ninja-in-training. I must continue. I was sitting with jams and cool water, next to my new friend on the exercise bike. I am awesome. I am a ‘young lady’. I didn’t even have the shooting pain in my left leg anymore…It was in BOTH. Both legs were angry now, and they were having an “OCCUPY THE GYM” rally, wearing those Anonymous Guy Fawkes masks, with signs saying “GET OFF THE EFFING BIKE!”
The signs made up in my mind by these rebellious extremities were not particularly clever, but they were effective. I’m new to this exercise thing, and I did push particularly hard yesterday. I powered through 6 minutes of biking, with exercise bike girl’s encouraging gaze upon me, like she was watching an episode of ‘biggest loser’ hoping I’ll really make it and change my life forever. She seemed nice, but I soooooo just wanted to slap her in her whole face.
I was failing, and I didn’t want an audience. The gym was still packed, all the non-weight equipment had a user, so I was surrounded. That’s when it happened:
I blew outta there as fast as my wobbly, angry legs could carry me. Down past the pool. Past the soda machine, but I DID glance at the price. $1.50 a bottle? I think not. And it had way too many types of 7up, which hasn’t been good in years since they changed formulas…but I digress.
Once I got in the house, it was ice-n-elevate time, which is where I am now, writing this blog post. Here’s what I’m taking from today:
1. Go to the gym earlier, before everyone is up and their husbands or wives are off at work (I saw you, househusband. Don’t think you could hide from me when you snatched up my machine so fast!)
2. Hydrate before exercising. I was sooooo thirsty soon as I started sweating, and I can barely chew gum and walk at the same time. Trying opening a bottle on a treadmill and trying to aim for your face. I’m not coordinated
3. At least 1 new jam in the rotation each day. Something to look forward to. “OOH new song” helped me push through the last 6 minutes.
4. We get defeated sometimes, but it doesn’t mean we should stop trying. I have a goal, and I’m not gonna stop, no matter what pain and embarrassment come.
5. Be nice to people. It’s just the right thing to do. Put good out, get good back. (I love you still, exercise bike lady. Sorry for wanting to slap you in your whole face.)
I hope you guys enjoyed the gym jams. I’ll post more later today. Also, still waiting on more back on what else you guys wanna see here, but right now the art-stuff is in the lead, so I’ll probably do an eye drawing tutorial or something. Fun times.
Snorlax – Blocking your path since 1996.